Create triangles Desirability is a social illusion. Seem unattainable, out of their reach An object is rare and hard to obtain is generally more prized 5. Create a need. Enter their spirit The way to lure people out of their natural intractability and self-obsession is to enter their spirit The way to entice people to come out of their shell is to become more like them , a kind of mirror image of them Simply conform to their moods , adapt to their tastes , play along with whatever they send your way In doing so, you will lower their natural defensiveness What people love most of all is to see their ideas and tastes reflected in another person This validates them.
Their habitual insecurity vanishes 8. Pay attention to detail The details of a seduction, the subtle gestures , the offhand things you do, are often more charming and revealing In seduction, you are always trying to bring the target back to the golden moments of childhood A child is less rational , more easily deceived , and more attuned to the pleasure of the senses The more you get people to focus on the little things , the less they will notice your larger direction A gift has immense seductive power But the object itself is less important than the gesture and the subtle thought or emotion that it communicates What is most seductive in the long run is not what you say, but what you do not say , what you communicate indirectly Never tell someone what you are feeling Let them guess it in your looks and gestures.
That is the more convincing language Poeticize your presence Do everything you can to keep the target thinking about you , unexpected meetings , gifts , etc. Disarm through strategic weakness and vulnerability There is something seductive about sadness We want to comfort the other person, and that desire quickly t urns into love Attacking your mean-spirited opponents can make you seem ugly as well Instead, soak up their blows and play the victim Confuse desire and reality Deepening the effect through extreme measures Prove yourself Stir up the transgressive and taboo The moment people feel something is prohibited, a part of them will want it Without obstacles and a feeling of transgression, love feels weak and flavorless Use spiritual lures Religion is the most seductive system that mankind has created Mix pleasure with pain Being too nice can literally push the target away from you Erotic feeling depends on the creation of tension Without tension, anxiety, and suspense, there can be no feeling of release, of true pleasure and joy It is your task to create that tension in the target, to stimulate the feelings of anxiety , and lead them to and fro so that the culmination of the seduction has real weight and intensity You have the ability to create pain and then magically dissolve it People will be less upset by your hurtful actions than you might imagine In the world today, we often feel starved for experience We crave emotion, even if it is negative The pain you cause your targets is bracing, it makes them feel more alive Falling in love is losing control.
Give them space to fall. The pursuer is pursued Showing interest in another person is a form of stepping back We learn to love only through rejection As babies, we learned to respond to coldness from our mother with love and affection Use physical lures Master the art of the bold move Humility may have its social usage but it is deadly in seduction Boldness is bracing, erotic, and absolutely necessary to bring the seduction to its conclusion When we want to comfort the other person, that desire quickly t urns into love.
Nothing is more seductive to people than the feeling of being desired Mystery is the lifeblood of seduction. Nutshell: The principles, concepts, character types, and stages of seduction. Share this: Twitter Facebook.
Has a singer ever been more seductive than Marvin Gaye? The pickup artist PUA lives to "sarge. But in the realm of pickup artistry, making small talk with an attractive gal is far more complicated than merely saying "hello. Sometimes, the cheesier the pickup line, the better it works. Because it breaks the ice by making her laugh and sets a lighthearted tone, which is a great starting point for any conversation. His how-to on seducing women sold 2. Now, the former New York Times writer has reinvented himself, this time as a man helping others find happiness through real relationships.
Not absolutely nothing. That would be silly advice for most men except famous dudes who can seduce simply by showing up. But almost nothing. In the game of seduction, less is more. YOU: Hey. You might have heard some whispers about a technique to seduce women. What is Fractionation? It is said that fractionation is the process of seducing a woman using psychological techniques. This book is a massive tome with over pages and more than footnotes that link you directly to important and informative resources. Many men have a line or a strategy for seducing women. But back when screenwriter Paul Janka was a first-rate pickup artist, he had a carefully tested system.
It began with an approach on the street. In , I was a professional bellydancer and went on a self-organized tour of Canada and the United States. It was nominally a place for those who felt conned by the pick-up artist promise, and many of its members were rightfully suspicious of what they had come to see as snake oil.
Pickup lines are totally overrated and entirely unnecessary, yet, for some reason, men still love to collect and sometimes even try them out on unsuspecting women. Stay tuned for more copywriting-themed posts that will help make you a better writer and a smarter marketer. Ever been insulted in a bar? It's possible you were being "negged". Get the New Statesman's Morning Call email. So much so that it can almost be viewed as a paradoxical phenomenon.
It was a spring night in New York City as I surveyed the open seating section of an outdoor bar with my best friend Phil. Like so many of the other young men around us, who embraced the warm seasonal breeze and alcohol-induced courage, we were searching for girls. They were all renowned charismatics that lit up every room they entered. I AM far from attractive.
My nose is large for my face and, while not hooked, has a bump in the ridge. Though I am not bald, to say that my hair is thinning would be an understatement.
The movie is so chock full of tips on how to attract girls, I simply had to write a blog post about it. On forums across the Web devoted to guns, shoes, pick-up artistry, and bodybuilding, Tinder bros are crowdsourcing the most dumbfounding opening lines they can Google.
Seduction on Pocket 90 results. Save saves. Save 1, saves. I learned more about male anxiety Sleazy. Save 2, saves. Save 82 saves. Save 97 saves. A Term Used by the Toronto Van Attack Suspect, Explained Minutes before turning his van onto a Toronto sidewalk on Monday, killing 10 people and injuring more than a dozen others, Alek Minassian wrote a post on Facebook, according to the Canadian authorities.
Help me get it off sale Super Seducer is the work of a pickup artist who even Piers Morgan finds vile. Save 43 saves. Save 81 saves. Save 55 saves. Save 9 saves. Save 46 saves. Save 40 saves. Save 76 saves. I found some good ideas in there, but nothing that even came close to helping me overcome this anxiety over approaching women. These books just talked about "flirting" and stuff like that. Get myself a hot girlfriend.
So then I went out just about every night I could, watching guys who were good with women and seeing what it was they were doing. I started figuring out how they used lines to open up groups of women and get them interested. These weren't those corny "pickup lines" you read about, either. I'm going to talk about those in a minute, too. I even joined a dating service, and put an ad in the personals, and created an online dating service profile.
Because there was one thing I had figured out, and it's the one thing you should be aware of right now as you read this:. The two work hand in hand. It's very simple, and logical You see, everything you want to learn to be more successful with women requires you to learn how to approach women - and in the right way. It goes back to that turning point I talked about before - the point in your head where you will either take action or fade into the background.
Since you're still with me here, I know that you're definitely NOT the kind who wants to disappear into the background. Now, over those 4 years of intensive research and field work I did to find out how to approach women the right way, I kept notes in a journal. I have pages and pages of notes on what I tried, what worked, what didn't work, and how I overcame the challenges of learning this new skill.
I still have that notebook to this day. It's all dog-eared and ragged, and I have to use a rubber band to keep the pages in there, but it's packed full of every insight and technique I found.
But I also found something out that was much more valuable along the way. In fact, I think I'd even call it " priceless. Lines don't help with that. On any of your single guy friends, the next time you see an attractive woman in a bar, nudge him and tell him to go talk to her.
And the worst part is that when your friend talks himself out of approaching a woman, you feel relieved because it usually gives you the excuse you need to not go talk to her, either. So you don't push it, and you go back to drinking your beer. Look, I'm not telling you this stuff to make you feel bad; I just want you to understand just how much of the same experiences I've gone through.
And what I discovered was I wasn't alone. But even MORE important was that I discovered that there were guys who had figured out how to overcome the problem. They had managed to conquer their fear - and their shy personality - and break through that invisible barrier. I once heard a phrase that I'd like you to remember: "If he did that, I can do that. The reality is that they had the exact same brain I have, and they had the same abilities I had. And I learned that I could actually do better than them when I discovered how it all worked, because these "naturals" were clueless as to what they were doing.
I want to let you know that approaching women really is a skill. I'm sure you've learned to do something pretty good in your life, like play the guitar, or fix cars, or even play a video game better than anyone else. Well, learning how to talk to women is just like learning one of those skills. At first, you're not too good. But if you just stick with it, you learn faster and faster, and before you know it you're better than most people. The more you learn, the faster you get better. And it gets easier and easier.
And the best part is that I've taken all the work and effort out of learning this skill for you. And then I also discovered that I became a lot better in social situations, too. I wasn't always the "quiet one" that never talked. I found out how to be a part of conversations instead of just an observer, and I got rid of a lot of the shyness I had. I even figured out how to use my sense of humor with women and not come across as a dork.
So right now I want to share some of the lessons I learned on this journey to improve my skills approaching women. The information I'm about to share with you will probably shave a few months off your learning curve if you really internalize it and let it sink in. One of the things I saw myself doing, and I later saw in many other guys, was that we men are so ashamed to show our interest in a woman for fear of being rejected that we'd try to camouflage and hide it behind a false pretense.
The only way we could walk up and talk to a woman was if we convinced ourselves and the woman that we weren't doing it for the need to "pickup" on her, or "hit on" her. It's a fear that I call the fear of being "found out I have. It was the only way I could get myself to talk to some women. But then you have to figure out how to follow that one up, don't you?
What do you say next when she says: "Oh, it's And so we learned that the "What time is it? So by trying to be "friends first" with a woman, we think we're actually answering her request. After all, don't most women say they want to be "friends first" before anything else? But the problem with this is that what a woman is really saying is actually much more complicated, and it wasn't until after I'd talked with a hundred or so women about this, and dug deep to find out what was really happening that I was able to interpret this Here's what a woman is really saying when she says: "I want to be friends first You'll cook a lot of brain cells if you try to explain it to a guy who is caught up in his "wussy" ways.
The bigger reason for this is because you were seeking her acceptance and approval before you took action. Almost like you were looking for permission. After years of learning what it takes to get women genuinely interested in men, and finding out what they were really looking for, I can boil almost all of the problems guys have into this one thing:.
You see, most shy guys like us have a need inside to feel accepted by a woman. That we're approved of in her eyes. I'm sure there's some great psycho-babble out there about how this relates to your 'inner child,' but it doesn't help you learn how to approach women with confidence , so let's leave that out for now What women see when a guy tries this friends-first thing is a guy who is saying: "Please-oh-please Will you approve of me?
She wants to feel SAFE around him. And a BIG part of feeling safe for a woman is knowing that she will not be the man in the relationship. This may sound a bit obvious, but I need to say this for you to really understand :. It's actually repulsive to them. As in: "I just saw naked pictures of my grandma" repulsive. Yeah, THAT bad.
This friends-first thing is also what triggers the "Nice Guy" syndrome, by the way. When I first got started learning how to approach women, I thought it was the first thing you say to a woman that makes her interested in you or not. I thought I had to make this original presentation right up front. I figured you had one chance to make a really big impression on her, or you lost her interest.
I found some great conversational openers that would work ALL the time - no chance of rejection. Here's the amazing fact that most guys don't know:. The most important thing when you approach a woman is not what you first say, it's how sincere and believable you communicate yourself behind those words.
For example, here's one of the openers I use, and other guys I've taught use this almost without fail:. I just wanted to come over and say hello. My name is Read that over again, because the power of what that opening "line" does is incredible. One of the most important things I observed as I learned how to approach women and get rid of the fear and anxiety was to watch other guys and le arn from their mistakes. I learned A LOT from them. Thanks, guys These guys had what I would have killed to get I ended up not having to kill for it, luckily And then I saw what it was These guys had warmth, almost no fear approaching women, but they were missing out on the most important thing After I figured it out, I wanted to get some business cards made up with the reason for their failure in big letters on it so I could just hand them out when I saw it happening.
No one goes in and tries to put up a building without a blueprint, and you can't afford to go into an interaction with a woman without one, either. It's vitally important that you know what words work and which ones don't to get women to talk to you, open up to you, trust you, give you her number, get a date with her, and so on. I'll come back to this after the last mistake Qualifying is the process of figuring out if a woman meets YOUR criteria and requirements, which is something that most guys do not do.
After all, they're in such a hurry to try and hook her in that they aren't thinking about whether they should even want this woman in their life in the first place. Think about this for a second, and really take a moment to reflect on your own experience here. Don't you usually go up to a woman thinking about how you can get her to want you? Or how you can show her or prove your value? The first reason is that when you qualify the woman, she will find you a hundred times more attractive than the other ten guys who tried to buy her a drink in the last ten minutes.
The second reason is that you really do need to feel as if she has something to prove to you. When you meet a woman, you need a good plan to get into a conversation first, but you also need a good plan for leaving when things are at a high point. Have you ever had a great conversation going, but you didn't know how to transition out of it into getting contact information?
And you find yourself afraid to end the conversation, and it starts to fizzle out. Before you lose all that effort, you need to use an "auto-save" feature on your approaches. You need to have a good idea of when, how, and what to say to leave the conversation with either her phone number or an email address. An email address is often a better alternative to a phone number because she will need less trust to give you it. Just be sure you write it down carefully! Of course, when you're finishing up the conversation, you are also likely to make another mistake Oh, I know. I can hear you as you read that one.
I'm not supposed to ask a woman out? You really shouldn't ask a woman out the first time you meet her. Here's why When you ask a woman out right away, you communicate " quick-desperation.
As part of your exit strategy, you need to simply go for her phone number or email. There are ways to get a guaranteed date from a phone number, as long as you handle things right.
When I talk to guys about their experience with this fear and shyness, and their desperate desire to fix this part of their lives, one thing comes through: They just want to get rid of that voice of doubt in their heads that stops them from just DOING IT. I have been working with guys for years now on every aspect of their dating lives.
I have also held bootcamps and training programs to take guys into bars and clubs to work on their approaches and get them meeting more women in one night than they have met in the last year. As I conducted these seminars, I noticed how many similar mistakes guys were making in their approaches, and just how easy it was to fix them.
Now, if you're not familiar with me - Carlos Xuma - or my work, I have been described as one of the original "pickup artists" - just like Neil Strauss discussed in his book The Game. When I spoke at his book signing here in San Francisco, Neil and I both talked about how guys don't really think of me as a "pickup artist" - more like a "guru. I've never thought of myself as a "guru," either, but if it helps - Hey, no problem.